By Mark Eastman
FU Cancer (and FU, Old Heroism)
The new “FU Cancer” campaign (like many others now
including some fully spelling out the words) has taken the virtuous cause of
fighting a dreadful disease, and made it a vehicle for excusing the
widespread use by all of rough language and obscene gestures, even by small
children. This approach is celebrated
by invitations extended to the campaign designers to appear on national TV
shows, and audiences that enthusiastically applaud the lengths people are
willing to go, and the conventional norms they are willing to upend, to do a
good deed (Are you conventional? Mindful
of other people’s sensibilities? How droll and prudish!).
In our emotion-driven, attention-greedy society, where
moral codes of self-restraint and public decorum are not only ignored, but
actually maligned, anything (really, it seems anything) done in the name of a
cause that makes people feel good about themselves is not only okay, it
should be elevated to the status of heroism.
Compare that to the public praise we give for fallen soldiers. But, soldiers who die or are disabled
saving comrades in faraway places are only mildly interesting. Are you an entertainer with talent, fame,
money, got to do everything you wanted, and died because of self-destructive
drug abuse? How self-giving and
heroic! Flags at half-mast for a month!
Flags at half-mast for a dead soldier?
Well, is it Memorial Day? Did
he do a video? Did it get lots of
hits? But, I digress.
In the spirit of today’s vanishing mores and evermore
topsy-turvy definition of heroism and virtue, here are some other campaigns
that could be pitched as very effective at getting attention. (Again, doesn’t
that justify everything? “So what if I
was crude? Look at how much attention it got!”) These ideas will put you in the front lines
of the ‘out-of-the-box,’ free-thinking, widely-admired anti-establishment
innovators for about 20 minutes. I
have taken elements of things already being done on the Internet, so don’t
think it’s too far-fetched:
S**t on AIDS!
In this campaign, everyone takes a picture of their
excrement carefully placed on posters and other items with the word “AIDS.”
Or, for the more “courageous” (as hedonists, libertines, and the
avant-garde-minded define courageous), folks can take a picture or video of
themselves actively defecating on the words, and post it on Facebook or wherever,
and share, share, share. It’s
inarguably a strong expression of your derision against AIDS. Show mom, show sis’,
show all just how good you are by how much you are willing to degrade
yourself to get attention for the benefit of others. And, if you are into scat and always wanted
the chance to “do” your thing in public under the umbrella of a good cause,
now you can – it’s a win-win! Take a
page from the news anchors of the Today
show, and discuss in detail your defecating process, or have national
coverage of the inner works of your intestines. You could have additional slogans like
“Just DO it!” and “The more the smellier!”
If you are the organizing leader, or maybe just very prolific, you
WILL get invited to every national TV interview show!
Parkinson’s is an A** hole!!
What a jerk this disease is, right? And what better, more ‘in-your-face’, ‘with
it’, ‘getting real’, ‘down-with-the-folks’ way is there to make this point
than referring to this orifice? For
the stuffier, stick-in-the-mud fuddy-duddies, in this milder and gentler
campaign you don’t have to actually defecate, just place a picture of your
anus and go atwitter with it on social media!
Much more polite. Have
everyone, (friends, co-workers, grandma) vote for the angriest, nastiest
anus. Do you have a large, hairy,
elderly uncle? Recruit his *ss! That’ll show just what we think of
Parkinson’s! And, of course, it will
attract and suck attention with the power of a black hole. Guaranteed
Continued column 2 >
from the FU Cancer campaign.
< From column 1
MD, We’re C*ming for You!!!
In solidarity against muscular dystrophy (MD), this
would be an orgasmically fun campaign for the obviously large number of
shamelessly generous exhibitionists we are now so fortunate to have
everywhere, what with all the hoochie-mama wannabees, boys wearing their
pants around their knees for maximum exposure of their rears, and the young
(and not so young) everywhere fixated on naked self-portraits. (“Hello
miss, my name is Anthony and I couldn’t help but notice from across the
ballroom how lovely you are. Would you like to see my latest penis pic? I
promise, it’s huge”). We could have
“MD Assocation C*mathons”
where large numbers of young men take a usually secret boyhood indiscretion
with friends, and turn it into a massive, united public display in protest
against MD as they ejaculate in unison on YouTube. They may have to practice a few times to
synchronize, but hey, these young people will do ANYTHING for attention…er,
I mean, a good cause; they will no doubt take on the needed stiff, hard
work to make this happen.
Call upon your sons and nephews, maybe even your
husbands and dads, to show just what they will put out to protest MD. If
they resist joining, you can tell them how mean and selfish their
ridiculously prudish attitudes really are for keeping them from giving of
themselves for such a noble cause.
Side benefit: think of all the porn money so many otherwise furtive
folks will save while being so good paying testimony to the c*mathoners
valiant, creamy sacrifice for the greater good. And, of course, it’s all a sure bet for
attention, attention, attention!!!
Oh, yes, the edgy, media-hogging, in-your-face,
boundary-pushing possibilities in this brave new world are just wickedly
We’re Already There, Here
After I wrote the first draft of this commentary, the
news media reported on a woman celebrated as a hero by many on the far Left
for her brave, courageous, noble protest against Catholicism by wearing a
pope-like hat and half-shirt while completely naked otherwise, and with the
exposed genital area sporting a cross formed by her shaved pubic hair. Fifty years ago, no one would have
defended this except the loony. Now,
easily 20% think it’s wonderful, and another 20% would rather condemn the
nearest conservative than her. Most
everyone else is silent, and the few who object are charged as intolerant
Continued column 3 >
< From column 2
Loud Suffering is Not Virtue
I have seen people die of AIDS and die of cancer. It is a terrifying and horribly painful
experience. The ones I knew weren’t
part of any big media campaign, or even spent much time, if any, telling
everyone else about their suffering.
I don’t ever want to personally encounter those killers again, but I
probably will. I also know that many
people suffer in terrible ways that are not seen at all by others – they
suffer quietly and without demanding attention. That is why I decline to make judgments
about who deserves the most deference just based on what disease they
announce they have. Instead, I
believe one should simply be the kind of person that offers help, sympathy
and compassion when possible. I
don’t, however, feel obliged to go along with any coarse behavior just
because the person asking me is or was ill – especially when it comes from
strangers I don’t even know. One
person’s illness and misfortune does not give him or her rights over
another’s sense or determination of right and wrong.
The Underrated Little Virtues
Let’s be clear.
We are not talking about a spontaneous, momentary reaction by
someone who is understandably angry at a disease, nor are we talking about
private indiscretions. We are
talking about planned and considered campaigns to spread and promote as
much as possible particular, generally offensive behaviors under the cloak
of sympathy or just causes. Do you really believe, upon the success, or
even mere acceptance of these campaigns, that there won’t be a follow-up by someone else to take it to the next
boundary? If your answer is still
‘yes’ after watching what has happened to movies, music, literature,
schools, the stability of families, and even simple manners between people
of different views over the last forty years, then it will always be ‘yes.’
Even small virtues have their value and purpose. Beware of those who try to undermine them
under the banner of a greater virtue.
Just like a reverse of the “Broken Windows” theory, you start taking
out the small pieces at the bottom and, though you may not see it for
awhile, eventually the big pieces fall.
record cannot be beat. One can
follow the herd chasing the latest hyperbolic, melodramatic, and
soon-forgotten micro-trend on Facebook and Twitter, or one can be wisely
and judiciously in front of it with UWFR.
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